Fred,

Look I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.  To be honest with you I

do know that I hurt you and I believe that I know that much more than

you believe or think.  So once again I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt

you and I did (or still) love you.  So maybe we don't need to talk  b/c

I don't want you or I to have to relive that again.  I see it like this

its over and done, there is nothing we can do to change it no matter 

how

much we want to.

I really was calling just to say hey and to see how you are doing.  Yea

I do miss you some times and just thought I would call and maybe it is

wrong of me to think that we can still be friends.  So please forgive

me!  Before I finish this email I just wanted you to know that up until

last night I did not realize how much you cared about me.  Like I said

you and I are two different people, so I always believed that I LOVE 

you

more than you did me or you liked me a lot!  However when you let me

know that I know more about you than other people and you expressed to

me how much I hurt you and how much I have changed you that's when I

knew.  I guess I would have like to have heard you say those 3 BIG 

words

to me but its all good.  

Like I said I wanted to tell you that I'm very sorry and honest to GOD 

I

Chasity 

First of all I am not writing this to hurt you....I just think you need

to hear this. I will try not to be hurtful but I will be truthful. 

Look I do believe you are sorry. BUT, I do not believe that you are 

Sorry for hurting me. I believe that you are sorry for the way things turned

out. If I would of never protested the paternity of Caleb. We would not

even be having this conversation. As I remember it. You made me out to

be some type Monster because I wanted a DNA test. 

Of course you want to look at it like hey it is over and done with and

there is nothing we can do to change it no matter how much we want to

because You want to forget about it and you want me to forget about it.

The only reason we are talking now is because I begged you not to make

me sue you. I begged you to do what is right and try and pay me back. I

begged you not to make this uglier than what it is already.

So I can't. I can’t love you like I once did. I can’t pretend you didn’t do what you did. I really want to but I can’t. Not right now anyway. Do you even realize that you have done the two worst things a girl can do to a man? I do not think you do. 

One you slept with my best friend behind my back I know what you'll

say... hey, I was dealing with Tony before I met you. And I understand that..

I knew about that and accepted it. But to go back to him after kicking

It with me. Do you know how small that made me feel? I am not even

friends with TONY any more because of that ( I had a lot of time to

think when I was in Brazil I realized you can not hang out with a snake

and not expect to get bit). You really fucked me up over that. I had no

sense of worth at all after that for months. Did I mean so little to you

That you would sleep with my best friend? Later he told me he only did

it because he was promised a manage a' trios. I don't know if you

brought a friend over or not and I do not want to know. And here is the

kicker, I still took you back

Two you tried to pin a baby on me that wasn't even mine. You dragged me

through the court systems. Turned my family against me, saying I was a

dead beat dad. You told my Grandmother that I have denied my only 

child. I will not tell you what horrible things she said to me after that. By

the way, I haven't spoken to my grandmother since then thank you so very

much. I can not look my mother in the eye because she turned against me

saying I was just like my father because of you.

I am only telling you all this because I truly believe that you do not

see it. 

Then on top of all this, You e-mail me this Letter saying you love me.

What type of person does that to another human being?

Are you trying to put me in a mental hospital? NO CHASITY, I LOVED YOU BUT YOU DID NOT LOVE ME I KNOW THAT NOW.

I wanted to make you my wife but there was always something there

between us, and you put it there. TRUST......You didn't trust me to tell

me the truth about Caleb. You didn't trust me enough to move in with 

me. And you didn't trust me with the plan I had for you, me and Caleb. 

You wanted to be the man. You wanted to show me that you were in

control. You wanted to hurt me because I was not doing or acting the 

way you thought I should. You made up crap for us to fight about. That year

and a half you put me though was a living hell.

Is that how you show that you love someone? By doing the things to them

that you have done to me.

I believe you believe that what you feel for me is love. But I want you

to be honest with yourself, If you loved me would you of did the things

you did. Would you truly do that to someone you love.

All Good Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

As most of you might of already Know because most of you know me from liquidfiction (I call him liquid for short), I just got back from Rio. I'm not going to post about the beautiful women or the sandy beaches for that you will have to visit liquid's Xanga site he has all the pictures and sordid details of the trip posted. This post will be mostly about my Dad. I know you are like what does your Dad have to do with Rio. Well hold on cause it is going to be a bumpy ride. Oh one more thing I post so infrequently because I do believe, no believe is not the right word more like understand the power of spoken words. It is a sort of magic that shapes the course of your life. The only thing more powerful than spoken word written words because once you write it down it is there for everyone to read and it is there forever. No take backs, no do overs. So before I write something I have to mull it over and If it contains someone elses name or reflects how I feel about something I have to be sure it is the absolute truth from my point of view.

so let's get right down to it. My Dad is a dick. Not your average run of the mill dick but a full blown raging hard on. I never knew why people would say that about other people until I sat down and thought about it. What is the most self serving not caring about anyone or anything but itself entity in the known universe. A hard dick. You know there is only one thing that will make you betray your best friend and fuck his wife or girlfriend. Like everybody always says "a hard dick has no conscience". So once again I say my dad is a fucking dick. I know what you are saying Hulk how could you say something like that about your own father. Well, because it is true. I have several examples of my Dad being a hard on but let's just stick to the Rio incident.

June of 2006.........a few months after I get the news that My baby momma who has been giving me soo much hell is not my baby momma but just a trifling bitch who cheated on me with, and get this she doesn't know who the father is, I call him Mr. nobody.

I tell my Dad I feel like I have a second chance at life and I am going to try and do all the things I was scared to do before. Starting with the vacation I am always talking about taking and never taking. I always wanted to go to Rio and see what all the hype was about. I ask him see if he can get me a spot at one of those Time shares in Rio where I can kick it for a week. He says he will try but he can't make any promises. I say fuck it he has never come through for me before why should this be any different. So I do what I always do and look for other options. Three weeks later out of the Blue  my Dad comes to me and says I booked you a spot at a resort in Bel Horizonte. I said no I wanted to go to Rio and he say naw man this is a top notch resort and it is not that far from Rio I said what is it in the suburbs of Rio and he says yeah. I thinking I guess me and my boys will just chill at the resort and relax then at night we will catch a cab into Rio. Then here it comes he says it will cost me about $500.00 dollars to get the place. Now I know the time share thing works off points and he has to use up all these points he has accumulated through out three years by the end of 2006 or else he will loose them. So he has been going on all these vacations to try and use up these point but I know for a fact that he has way to many because he rants about it all the time  before I even came up with the idea for this trip. This Rio trip will probably use up some of his points but instead of giving the place to me because he is going to loose the points anyway, he wants to get paid. Plus he makes the point that he has already made the arrangements. In other words, It is a done deal and that is when I feel it. That hot and cold feeling all over and I know he is trying to get over on me. I figure, it is cheaper than what it would cost for me to rent a place on my own in Rio for a week. So I pay him and figure one less thing I have to worry about.

Fast forward to the 10 hour plane ride over to Rio, The plane is full of people right around us is a bunch of New York Cats. The theme song for the whole trip over is-It's on and popping- by Chris Brown. The big question circling around the airplane is "is this your first time to Rio?" And then come what I've been waiting for the whole ten hours. My lead in someone ask me "hey man where are you staying in Rio?" Now it is my turn to play the uppity negro aka the baller. "I'm staying in a resort in Bel Horizonte dude. We will catch you guys later on in the week." And you know I say it with this air of arrogance like my name was Jay-Z and these young bucks don't know what balling is. Now up to this point I'm cool. That is until we board the plane that is right I said plane to Bel Horizonte and they stop speaking english completely no translation no nothing. We get off the plane and I find a cab to take us to San francisco flats resort. After 30 plus minutes of the scariest driving and traffic I have ever experienced, we pull up in front of a run down place that  the shithole Howard Johnson in Washington D.C. a week before would of blew out of the water. At that point I break down. I mean I totally shut down I don't cry because I refuse to waste any more tears on him. All I keep thinking of is he got me again. I don't know why I keep thinking things will be different with him. Am I really that stupid. I can't speak or function so I go to the corner part of our room called the bedroom and vegetate on the bed. LiquidFiction has pictures of the room so if you want to see just go to his sight and ask.

The fucked up part of it is that he didn't just beat me out of $500.00 dollars. he cost me way more than that and he ruined the vacation that I had sacrificed so much to go on. My truck is in the shop with a blown engine which is going to cost me $10,000.00 to fix. I've blown over $3500.00 dollars fucking with him and getting ready for this trip. I couldn't even enjoy myself because the whole time I was worried about money because the trip cost about $1400.00 more because I tried to deal with that raging hard prick of a man.

Don't believe me lets just do the math shall we

Extra flight to bel horizonte $250.00

administrative fee for catching an early flight back to Rio $150.00

Money I paid my dad $500.00

cab fair to and from shitty hotel in Bel horizonte 80 reas/ $40.00

three day stay in hotel in Rio with no AC because we had no reservations $150.00

four day stay in rented apartment with AC $660.00 minus 200.00 deposit = $460.00/2 =$230.00

which brings us to a grand total of  $1320.00.

And this is just one of many examples of times he has screwed me over.

Side note while I was in Rio, I happen to catch one of Oprah's shows in which she recapped one of her other shows which talked about this book that is sweeping the nation now and it is called the secret. I'm not going to go into the whole show but Oprah said something that triggered something inside of me. She said that life is not supposed to be hard and everyone knows this basic truth deep down inside. And, if your life is hard then you are going against your natural nature or flow or spirit or whatever. Well I try to do the right thing all of the time and I try to think of how my actions affect other people and I go way out of my way to take other peoples feelings into consideration before I do things. Now don't get me wrong I am not perfect but I try to be not because I have this spiritual need to help people. No far from it. To tell the truth because that is what this blog of mine is about truth, I just like being right. I get off on it. When a relationship I'm in goes wrong or a job or anything goes wrong in my life. I analyze it and try and figure out if I did something wrong to contribute to this failure in life. And one I mull it over and find that I did nothing wrong. It gives me a high you would not believe. That feeling of being right is what I live for.

But as you can see from all my previous posts. Life is hard. Nothing is going right. And at that moment in time when I was watching Oprah I thought, maybe Oprah is right. My life is hard and things are going bad because I am going against the natural nature or flow. She said if you are doing something and things keep going wrong then maybe you are doing the wrong thing. Maybe I am going in the wrong direction. Maybe I am not supposed to be a good person. Maybe I should start doing what I want to do and what is convenient for me and not what I think is right.

I'll let you guys know how that works out.

To Alice my one true love

To whom it may concern:

As I spent the last weekend enjoying my Martin Luther King Day three-day weekend, I heard several people saying how would Martin feel about the world if he were alive today. People tend to ask around this time of year if the Dream is still alive. I say yes. I say it is especially alive in Atlanta, Ga. The dream is no more evident then when I see so many Americans; black, white, Latino and Asian who are able to achieve a measure of wealth previously unheard of in the south of Martin’s day. People will try and spin the way things are today to reflect that Martin’s Dream was a failure. So let’s up jump right into why I feel the way I do.

People tend to say that we are not living the dream mostly because of prejudice from the white man and the general consensus is that we, as a race, are our own worst enemy.

Crabs in a barrel

For you guys who are not familiar with this saying, the saying goes that blacks are like crabs in a barrel. Being that when one crab is almost about to escape the confines of the barrel, another crab will pull him back down into the bucket and the certain death of boiling water. This unfair stigma was placed on black people to demonstrate the belief that even if we were able to make it to the pinnacle of our western society, there would be one of our own waiting to drag us back down. To debunk this stigma first we must examine it. Crabs = Blacks but what does the barrel represent or for that fact the boiling water. Because I have seen crabs in there natural environment and they are not dragging one another down. So it must be the barrel. Anything placed in a cramp space, one on top of the other, for an extended period of time will of course fight for it’s own space but after a while they will come together and crawl out of their situation so what makes us crabs different. Well we are forgetting one important ingredient and this is usually left out of the stigma when it is being told. Boiling Hot water, as you know crabs must be cooked while they are still alive so they dump a lot of crabs on a barrel and boil them. When you see this you will instantly wonder, why they don’t just crawl out. It is because the other crabs are pulling them down. What is funny is that this is not just true for crabs (blacks) it is true for any intelligent being that is faced with death. For example when I was growing up I wanted to be a lifeguard. I noticed that when a person is drowning the life guard is very careful to swing up behind the drowning person because he knows that the very person he is trying to save will drown them both if given the chance. In essence dooming them both to death. Is this person intentionally trying to kill you just for spite? No they are just afraid and in a state of panic. Why is this situation not considered an example of crabs in a bucket? If given the chance, the person will drag you down with them. That is because this situation has nothing to do with race.

The crooked and corrupt racist system (boiling hot water) is what turns a normal Americans of African heritage into a nigger. We even say the phrase “your in hot water now” when you are placed in a bad situation. Yes we are all crabs in a bucket but just recognizing that fact is not enough.

Black on Black Crime

First of all I would like to say that my stuff gets stolen all the time (You can ask liquid fiction) by niggers and I call them that, because that is what they are. Do not fool yourself.  We are all Niggers… fuck it I’m a nigger you’re a nigger she’s a nigger he’s a nigger and if you look on television everybody else in America would like to be a nigger too. We have all lost the right to call ourselves anything other than what Willie Lynche has designed us to be. We have all done something. We have stolen cable or downloaded songs illegally or gotten what we call “the hook up”. Wake the fuck up…….it is stealing. I know we do it to survive but fuck it WE DO IT.  If you live in America and you are the descendants of slaves, The powers that be have provided a place for you and it is not in the upper crust of society. I know there are a million examples of Niggers who have made it… but they have handlers. Watch them and see what happens when they do something outside of the status quo. The basic principles designed by Willie Lynche are implemented.  You might not understand what that name means but you should.

But back to the stupid topic of black on black crime. We need to stop referring to crime committed by one nigger to another nigger as black on black crime. It is ignorant. The next time you hear someone say that please correct him or her. It is crime nothing more nothing less. There is no such thing as White on White crime. There is no such thing as Latino on Latino crime. There is no such thing as Asian on Asian crime. Other races are probably laughing at us because it is stupid. The criminal commits crimes where the opportunity presents itself. A black person doesn’t steal from you because your black (it might make him feel comfortable) but a black person steals from another black person because he is a thief. That is all. There is nothing deep about it. No such thing as Black on Black crime.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov is Willie Lynche!!!

I didn’t learn much in High school and it bored the crap out of me most of the time. I did learn something though that helped me through life. I believe my teachers are morons because they taught it in the wrong text. I learned about Ivan Petrovich Pavlov in science class can you believe that shit. I learned about him in science class. Ivan Petrovich Pavlov should have been in my social studies class and that is all we should have studied for the whole semester.

Ivan came up with the theory of Pavlov’s Dog.  You see Ivan used to ring a bell right before he feed his dog and the dog would salivate. He did the crap for months on end. After a while, the dog associated the bell with food. So as the experiment went on, Ivan no longer needed food to get the dog to salivate. He had programmed a living thing just by manipulating its environment.

Don’t see how it pertains to this subject. OK

True story……I and a friend of the family and we were working on a project. We were renovating a house. As the project went on I was investing more and more money in the house because I wanted it to be the best looking house on the block and I noticed that the friend of the family was sabotaging me at every turn or what we refer to now as Hating on me. Finally I had to fire him and I finished the project. I bought the house for fifty thousand invested forty five thousand and sold it for one hundred and forty thousand I was able to get that type of money for the house because the rest of the neighborhood was crap. The developer was buying up everything around for pennies on the dollar but I was standing out. He had to come see me. Later the friend of the family came to see me and in his way apologized. He didn’t quite apologize but he told me a little history and it goes like this.

“You ever wonder why the black part of town is so run down and messy. The city can come and clean it up but it will only stay that way for a couple of months. Well, it wasn’t to long ago and I am not talking about what they tell you in history book (reconstruction); I am talking about 1950 - 1965. Blacks owned at lot of things like businesses and doctor practices. Well a friend of mine even owned his own construction company. I am talking about black millionaires. Well, as blacks began to shine and draw attention to themselves, the whites began to do things like unfair lending practices and charging blacks twice as much for raw materials than they would charge the whites. In a matter or 2 or 3 years businesses went bankrupt because of this. Imagine what that did to the black community as a whole. Just for good measure you add in the KKK to make things worst.  We learned not to shine anymore because you could literally be killed. Every time our children tried to shine we would knock them down and tell them you can’t do it like that because you are not like the others. This is how we protected our own. It sounds messed up but that was the only way we knew. Don’t stand out. Don’t be so flashy. In short don’t make the white man nervous.”

I see Americans of African heritages my age who have not been through Slavery or dealings with the KKK or who have not been the victims of unfair lending practices which caused them loose their company which they worked so hard for BUT they are still tripping each other up. They have lost the reason why. It has just become an action with no intention.

So even after the civil rights act and affirmative action and Colon Powell and countless other Black CEOs, the Dog still salivates when the bell is rung.

But we are able to walk down the street without fear. Black churches are not being blown up. Dogs are not attacking us. High paying jobs are available to us. Black kids get to play in the same playground as white kids. White universities are open to us. Yes I believe Martin’s dream is alive. I just don’t think Martin’s dream is enough for us as a race.

Pick Up Willie Lynch and give it a read my dearest Alice and just maybe you will be able to survive in wonderland…………………….Lights out Niggers.

Currently Watching The Devil Wears Prada (Widescreen Edition) By Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, Stanley Tucci, Adrian Grenier, Tracie Thoms, Rich Sommer, Simon Baker, Daniel Sunjata, Jimena Hoyos, Rebecca Mader, Tibor Feldman, Stephanie Szostak, David Marshall Grant, James Naughton, Colleen Dengel, Suzanne Dengel, Eric Seltzer, David Callegati, Alexie Gilmore see related

Jesus Heals A Blind Man

To whom it may concern:

After almost a year of constant badgering from Liquid fiction I have decided to continue my journey of literary exploration. First, I guess I should give you guys an update of what has transpired in the year of my absence.

1)      The baby was born and it was a boy. She still refused to name the kid after me. He was born on the day after thanksgiving November 25^th and she named him Caleb Jamal Ash. Yes I was there when the baby was born but my jerk of a boss did not give me the day off. So I stayed there from 06:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m. then when to work and pulled a 12 hr shift from 12:00 noon until 12:00 midnight. I went home and got six hours of sleep and was back at the hospital at 08:00 a.m. She had packed her stuff up and was on her way home when I arrived at the hospital. I asked her what was going on and she said she was going home. I said wait a minute are there any papers for me to sign. She said no. then she hopped in the car with her parents and drove off, leaving me there with the nurse looking like Boo Boo the fool.

2)      Then she said I wasn’t helping her with the doctor bills for the baby. I told her that the baby would have full coverage under me. She said no because she liked her pediatrician. So I was stuck with paying all the doctor bills she accumulated with the baby. I wouldn’t be so upset but fuck; I have a good job with excellent benefits that actually pay for this sort of stuff. 

3)      In the end the doctor bills racked up to around $5,000.00 which I paid on top of the money I was giving her for child support. But like always she was somehow convinced I was a piece of crap and she did research and found out that she could get around $1200.00 a month from me. So she took me to court for child support. This was around May. I asked for a paternity test which I only did because I was trying to buy time to pull money out of my 401k  so that I could hire a lawyer so I wouldn’t get screwed too much in the legal process.

4)      She then turned my family against me because she told them I was a dead beat dad and I was forcing her to take me to court for child support. When in fact I had asked her to marry me, bought us a house $130,000.00 plus 30,000 in upgrades which include a deck, luxury bathroom and I converted The carport into a den because I felt the house was just to small for entertaining her friends. On top of that I was paying her child support. Plus I had given her the money to pay the doctor bills.

5)      It turns out the child was not mine (July 17^th) and I had been juiced for over 10,000.00 dollars in seven months. She refused to pay me back any of the money she took from me still insist that the baby was mine. This is even after the DNA test.

6)      Let me not forget, to help me with my growing anger issues I got a membership at LA fitness so that I could try and do something positive with my life. A thief breaks into my locker and steals my prized possession a TAG Heuer watch with vvs diamond bezel which cost upward of $5,000.00 plus my wallet and all my Identification. 

7)      A couple of weeks later an Argentinean lady runs a stop light and T-bones me spinning me into a telephone pole. This lady speaks no English and I had to pay my deductible $500.00 plus it took them more than a month to fix my truck so I had to pay for the extra week for my rental $150.00. Then I got a letter from the IRS stating that I owed them $7000.00 dollars.

8)      September Rolls around and I get another letter in the mail stating that since I hadn’t filed for my homestead exemption; my mortgage payments were going to go up from $950.00 to $1289.00 a month. My truck broke down and that cost me another $1000.00

9)      October rolls around and my house gets broken into

10)  November rolls around and the crooks come back for a repeat performance. Oh yes I have an alarm but the cops are so slow that the crooks hear the alarm but they come in anyway. I guess they figure they have at least 30 minutes to peruse my belongings.

11)  Now I am coming up on December and I just can’t seem to get anything to go right seems like everything is going wrong and there is nothing I can do about it.

My only saving grace are these lyrics

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin'
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should